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I remember you crossing my path once in a while. I remember you bringing a smile on my lips once in a while. Yes, there were times when you would walk with me, but then, you walked your own path till we met again. I do remember you crossing my path once in a while.
It rained a lot one day, I remember. The sun was fierce that day, burning down anything that came on its way. You ignored the heat and walked with me for a while, a long while may be. You shared your thoughts with me and shared mine, yes it rained a lot that day, on my soul and may be yours too.
You met me again, and you continued crossing my path again and again...we walked together, side-by-side, under the scorching sun, the pouring rain, the moonlit nights and through foggy mornings. We parted our ways, knowing when we would meet again.
One day, yes I remember, I found you walking with me.
One night, yes I remember, I found you sleeping next to me.
One day, yes I realised, you had been walking with me for a while.
That day, yes I knew, I needed you by my side, always.
I do remember, you holding my hand tight as we circled the fire, you leading me and then I leading you, I remember your voice as you read out your vows, and I felt your glance as I shared my consent across the purdah...yes, I remember, when we promised to walk all our walks together.
The memories are not so vivid after that. I do remember our journey together, some of it, or most of it? The dreams that were fulfilled, the bricks that made our home, the pages that we turned on lazy Sunday afternoons together, the songs that we felt in our fingertips, the rhythms that we danced to in our souls, the tiny toes that we felt in our hands, the small steps that we guarded, the nappies that we changed, the parties that you threw at my success, the trips that we took at your success - yes I do remember some of it.
But mostly I remember that night, while sitting on the terrace, I looked by my side, and suddenly realised that you weren't there. I reached out, but could not feel you, I tried to listen, but could not hear you, I tried to speak, but you could not hear, although I remember you handing me my scotch, two ice and one dash of lime - you knew my drink so well. I looked out for you again, the next day, as you waved at me on your way to office, I could not find you - that day the sun came lashing down...I do not remember any rain.
I sat there, on our way, and realised we do not walk side by side anymore. Were you ahead of me, did you take a wrong turn, were you following me? - I could not figure out. I knew we were not walking together anymore.
I sat there, waiting for you to come back, and walk with me, as we took the boys to the school, prayed together, held hands and crossed roads...yes, I knew you would come back. To walk with me.
It was raining that night, a lot. I was cold and tired. I was rushing home. I should have listened to you, I should have waited for you to pick me up. I retraced the steps that I had taken innumerable times, ten steps and turn left, I counted, my stick clanked the cobbled street as the Hummer lost control, and skidded, they say. They say it blew the horn, how would I know, they say it had the headlights on, how would I see - I was still counting my next 20 steps to our door. I remembered falling down, through eternity, like the kite breaking free from the spinner wheel, enjoying its heady moments before hurtling down to the ground or like the subdued river forcing open the floodgates in a heavy monsoon and cascading down the dam walls in all its fury. They say I was holding our photo when they found me, they say I had a smile on my lips when they lifted me. I remembered falling down...I do not know how you look, I do not know how a smile looks like - I can just feel...
You took my hand and held it to your face. You allowed my fingers to trace your eyes, face, lips and tears. You held it to your heart and my fingertips felt it beat. You said, it beats just for me. Caged within the white walls, covered by the white sheets, attached to a number of machines, in my dry lips and tired heart beats, and in my numbed pain, I realised, you are walking by my side now, you were walking by my side, yesterday, and will tomorrow.
For I am, because you are, and you are because I am...
*(An attempt at fiction. Let me know how flat it fell! :)
It rained a lot one day, I remember. The sun was fierce that day, burning down anything that came on its way. You ignored the heat and walked with me for a while, a long while may be. You shared your thoughts with me and shared mine, yes it rained a lot that day, on my soul and may be yours too.
You met me again, and you continued crossing my path again and again...we walked together, side-by-side, under the scorching sun, the pouring rain, the moonlit nights and through foggy mornings. We parted our ways, knowing when we would meet again.
One day, yes I remember, I found you walking with me.
One night, yes I remember, I found you sleeping next to me.
One day, yes I realised, you had been walking with me for a while.
That day, yes I knew, I needed you by my side, always.
I do remember, you holding my hand tight as we circled the fire, you leading me and then I leading you, I remember your voice as you read out your vows, and I felt your glance as I shared my consent across the purdah...yes, I remember, when we promised to walk all our walks together.
The memories are not so vivid after that. I do remember our journey together, some of it, or most of it? The dreams that were fulfilled, the bricks that made our home, the pages that we turned on lazy Sunday afternoons together, the songs that we felt in our fingertips, the rhythms that we danced to in our souls, the tiny toes that we felt in our hands, the small steps that we guarded, the nappies that we changed, the parties that you threw at my success, the trips that we took at your success - yes I do remember some of it.
But mostly I remember that night, while sitting on the terrace, I looked by my side, and suddenly realised that you weren't there. I reached out, but could not feel you, I tried to listen, but could not hear you, I tried to speak, but you could not hear, although I remember you handing me my scotch, two ice and one dash of lime - you knew my drink so well. I looked out for you again, the next day, as you waved at me on your way to office, I could not find you - that day the sun came lashing down...I do not remember any rain.
I sat there, on our way, and realised we do not walk side by side anymore. Were you ahead of me, did you take a wrong turn, were you following me? - I could not figure out. I knew we were not walking together anymore.
I sat there, waiting for you to come back, and walk with me, as we took the boys to the school, prayed together, held hands and crossed roads...yes, I knew you would come back. To walk with me.
It was raining that night, a lot. I was cold and tired. I was rushing home. I should have listened to you, I should have waited for you to pick me up. I retraced the steps that I had taken innumerable times, ten steps and turn left, I counted, my stick clanked the cobbled street as the Hummer lost control, and skidded, they say. They say it blew the horn, how would I know, they say it had the headlights on, how would I see - I was still counting my next 20 steps to our door. I remembered falling down, through eternity, like the kite breaking free from the spinner wheel, enjoying its heady moments before hurtling down to the ground or like the subdued river forcing open the floodgates in a heavy monsoon and cascading down the dam walls in all its fury. They say I was holding our photo when they found me, they say I had a smile on my lips when they lifted me. I remembered falling down...I do not know how you look, I do not know how a smile looks like - I can just feel...
You took my hand and held it to your face. You allowed my fingers to trace your eyes, face, lips and tears. You held it to your heart and my fingertips felt it beat. You said, it beats just for me. Caged within the white walls, covered by the white sheets, attached to a number of machines, in my dry lips and tired heart beats, and in my numbed pain, I realised, you are walking by my side now, you were walking by my side, yesterday, and will tomorrow.
For I am, because you are, and you are because I am...
*(An attempt at fiction. Let me know how flat it fell! :)
9 comments:
Beautiful..you ask to leave comments.. but each time I read your posts it leaves a smile on my face as if I know what I read.. and again it leaves me with lot of undefined thoughts for the next few moments or should I say few days at times..leaving a comment is difficult..because I am still lost in my thoughts.. and I enjoy this wilderness !!! thank you and all the best for your exam :)
N no,u didn't fall on ur face at all. the blog was perceptive n heart warming.
love,
manisha
Beautiful! Everytime I read your posts I long for that one word to describe it.
I love your writing style. It has a rhythm! Keep writing and all the best for your exams.
Cheers
Sara
Durba, I read your blog, my wife read it and the next thing we did is book a table for two for dinner :). Thank you, we often forget to see that we are/were walking side-by-side always.
Beautifully imagined and painted... the end was a tad dramatic for my taste...
Very touching... All the pieces you have written definitely leaves a mark... Durba, instead of writing so short pieces, start writing books.. :)
hav just read it and m numb..cos it's so well written and poignant..i like the walking together in rain n sunshine part cos it talks about how we hav relationships that cant be defined yet r so meaningful..n the revelation wen the stick clangs on th pavement...all i can say is you r gifted and an artist..vth th camera n vth th words u play vth...luv it..:)
Pagla kore dibi to re. Pore mone holo bangla te bhebechhish aar ingrejite likhechhish :-D. Kobe ashchhish?
Guys..thank you so much for taking time to read my babbles...I really appreciate this kind gesture :)
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